I Need the Fire Back!

on Aug 26, 2012
Failure has been my company forever. At times, I feel like I'm in a bubble of failure I can't seem to get out from. I forget how success tastes like now. It seems to me like something that is far away I can't seem to reach. I sunk deep into depression and failure. For the last four years I've been going though a bit of a tough time.


When you fail, you'll be facing many emotional and psychological changes in the self. It is never easy and sometimes it may cause you to give up what you love. But failure is what makes you become more mature. In my own experience, every time I failed, I learned something new which I needed to overcome. Yes, I hate these experiences, but they make me better and make me accept that failure is a part of life. The only question is what to do in order to get back up again?

Lots of my days were black on me. I don't know if this will end, but I am aware my ambition to succeed is deep-rooted and will not diminish by uncountable failures. Nonetheless, it hurts, and it's disappointing, and I'm tired of dropping on the bed hopeless and with pain in my heart, crying myself to sleep. But I still have hope in my heart. Perhaps, because this was a company I really wanted to join.

For some reason, there were no flashbacks or memories of the past few years. It was yet again, the same story, with the same debauched ending. Me walking hope dejected. Yet again.

A part of me is missing. I act like I'm okay, but inside is a volcano waiting to explode with pain, remorse, guilt, lies, screams, and cries..I not only feel dead inside but alone even if I'm not.

My recent past has been this dark cloud that has hung over my head, one that never seems to pass, for I just don't know how to let it go. Some parts are things I've done to myself, other parts are things that have been done towards me. But all parts are things that remain in my mind and hold me back from living the life that I deserve.

I have succeeded and failed, won and lost, stood up and stumbled. There are times when I feel that I stumble far more than I stand, but I won't ever give up on making my life what it is meant to be. Sometimes the days seem far darker than I could have imagined them to be, but I know that there is an ever growing light within me that has always been there, and I reach for it, I strive for it. I am resilient, and I will win!

I often find myself in moments of defeat.I found my darkness as a place of comfort for so many years, but it is no longer comfortable to remain there. I will continue to stumble, we all do. But never will I remain on my knees at the mercy of my own victim. I will always find a way up, on my own, and I will fight for the happiness that I deserve. I won't ever give up on me.


As the years go by and time fades away...
What used to be "good days" are now filled with dismay...

Tomorrow comes, and then again, it goes...

And my ambition to become something more, grows and grows...

Around the corner, yet miles away...

The life I want now, gets closer each day...

I’ve been basing my life upon what others think...


I wish I could go back and redo everything...

I've fought to become who I am and what I want to be...

I have to remind myself that one day, I will be free...
Free from the rules I followed as a child...
When everything was a game and life was so mild...

Now times have changed and I realize nothing is fair...

And sometimes it seems like nobody even cares...
It’s like no one pays attention to what I feel is best for me...
And what I think about the way some things should be...

I understand now, that I’m pretty much on my own...

And I know a lot of what I can do will never be known...

2 comments:

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